Brace yourselves ..... Epic A Virtual Vegan recipe fails are coming on through! These are all things that you do not want to eat and that failed miserably and caused much swearing and even sometimes crying in the kitchen.
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A few years ago I had a random idea to share my recipe fails. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea or not. Should I willingly make you see that I'm not really as good a cook as you might think I am and scar your eyeballs forever in the process?
I guess any time a creative, self-taught, very disorganized person with random recipe ideas is let loose in the kitchen, there are going to be some epic disasters.
Basically, for almost every recipe that makes it to my website, there are at least a few prior BAD attempts, sometimes many more. And as there is no shortage of recipe fail material, I think I would be doing you a disservice if I did not overshare the things that really should stay behind closed doors. I'll apologize in advance ...
Despite the fails though, millions of you visit AVV every month to make my recipes, I've managed to become a best selling cookbook author and I haven't burned down my kitchen yet, so it's not all bad. I am extemely grateful to be able to share my recipes (and my recipe failures) with you all!
So are you ready? Grab a cuppa, brace yourself and try not to vomit in your mouth a little because A Virtual Vegan's Recipe Fails are coming on through. Let's go!
First up, I take my vegan pancake game very seriously and pride myself on having some really good pancake recipes on AVV. Like my Giant Blueberry Vegan Pancake and my Vegan Banana Pancakes. They aren't always so good though. Enter specimen number 1 that looks like wrinkly pink skin and tasted as bad .....
And specimens 2, 3 and 4 .... Ranging from drier than sand to crumpet-like and the less said about the last one the better ....
Notice a theme here? Here's another pancake. This time the inside was kind of like that gelatinous gloopy slime you buy for your kids to play with.
This one's a little blurry but that's good because it semi-hides the ugliness. Would you believe that these lumps of what look like moon rock actually turned into my very delicious Vegan Banana Scones?
This was the 4th attempt at this recipe. I had visions of silky smooth vegan lemon curd and what I got time after time was a lumpy, congealed mass with true gag status.
My very popular gluten-free seitan recipe was a journey. A very bumpy one. This was the first attempt:
Everything about it was disgusting... The texture, the flavour, the stringy mushroom worm-like bits ...I am pretty sure it was the worst thing I've ever made.
And then another attempt to make gluten-free seitan... And when I mentioned scarring your eyeballs I wasn't exaggerating.
I don't think we should ever speak of this again...
I wrapped the foil around it too tightly and it burst out of one end while baking. I literally cried with laughter when I took it out of the oven, and on and off all day after. Mr AVV's face, when I presented it for dinner, was the highlight of my year!
The theme continues. These cinnamon rolls were for a photoshoot that needed to be completed a.s.a.p. The whole pan came out looking like this:
I tried poking them back in, then cutting them off, but it didn't work out well. I ended up having to make them again the next day.
Gluten-free bread or rock? I'm not sure... It would have broken your foot if it fell on it though.
I had never ever made a smoothie that was so bad I couldn't drink it until this one .... It was watery and tasteless and even the chocolate in it couldn't save it.
I can't even remember what this was supposed to be, but I do know that the pan it was in was ruined forever.
The beginnings of my very popular Chocolate Chip Cookie in a Mug. Way too many chia seeds that remained weirdly crunchy and made it feel like I was eating/looking at bug eggs ....
I can't remember what this was supposed to be. It looks like an omelette but that is definitely not what I was attempting.
THIS. It was my attempt at making homemade chocolate but actually turned out looking and feeling like raw liver. When I moved the pan it slid around in it's slimy, jelly-like state like some kind of alien being.
This fatty mess is the homemade chocolate after it set in the freezer. For some unknown reason I thought that freezing it might actually save it. Chester is getting ready to evacuate in case the alien being comes back to life.
Cookie anyone? This was a whole batch that spread into one podgy number 8 type shape. Quite a coincidence really as this was attempt number 8. What you can't see is how strangely bendy they were and how terrible they tasted.
The lemon blueberry loaf that refused to stay together for at least 4 attempts. Every time I lifted it out of the pan it crumbled into pieces.
This was bad. I couldn't even bring myself to taste it because it looked so awful. I mean it's basically a brown, oily splodge with salt on it.
And then came the second attempt. That time the oil set to form a white congealed mass around the edges. I'm not sure which version looks more unappetizing. It's very hard to believe that these pitiful attempts ended up turning into my very popular Salted Maple Pecan Fudge.
This cake though! Now this, unlike the others, was a pretty nice recipe fail. We enjoyed every minute of clearing it up. I needed to get shots of this for my cookbook and I was in a real rush to meet my deadline. But it was the hottest day of the year. Everything about it was perfect until I put the top on, then all of the jam and frosting just squirted out the sides. Like literally all of it. There was nothing left inside.
Um, what even is this???? The first attempt tasted like cement. You could probably actually have used it in place of cement when constructing a building.
Then attempt number two of the same recipe. It was puffy and beautiful then dissolved into flat nothingness after 10 minutes in the oven. And then attempts number 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7, plus many more not pictured. After 1 year of disaster, I finally got this Vegan Yorkshire pudding recipe right!
Chester's disapproving look says it all. This was a lemon cake that I affectionately called the pancake cake. It turned out flat like this about 4 times. Then it became a disintegrating pancake cake. I barely even touched it and it crumbled into pieces. You don't even want to know how many lemons I went through while negotiating these disasters. You will be pleased to know that I did perfect it eventually and it turned into a beauty of a cake. You can get the recipe in my cookbook!
Quite a few things get burned. I am very good at going away and getting distracted. This is one such example. The crumb topping on this was quite thick and I really didn't want to have to make the whole thing again, so I painstakingly removed every burnt crumb with tweezers, then, after photographing it, decided I wasn't happy and and needed to make it again anyway.
Hockey puck anyone? These veggie burgers are another example of my distracted cooking. They were so hard I couldn't even cut them.
Only once I'd photographed this recipe did Mr AVV tell me they looked like poo pancakes. The recipe got ditched after that. They tasted nice though!
This is a chickpea plant milk experiment gone wrong. It turned to gloop in the bottle and literally made me feel sick when I poured it. We're talking thick, gelatinous sludge that hung, in strange mid pour suspension, before breaking off and falling into the glass.
And lastly the time I was sharing how to make nice-cream on Instagram and didn't hold the top down on the blender. Unless you've experienced it, you have no idea how far globs of frozen banana travel when shot out of the top of a high powered blender.
So there we have it. There have been many more fails than this. These were just the lucky ones that got photographed, but you know what? As annoying as they are at the time, cheers to them all because without them we wouldn't have the wins!
Let me know I'm not alone by sharing details of your cooking fails in the comments below. I'd love to hear about them!
Debbie Ott says
This blog is the best! I laughed, and then laughed some more. I can't decide whose mistakes were funnier - yours or your readers, haha. As for my fails, I wouldn't even know where to begin - if you like to experiment with recipes fails are as predictable as the days of the week. One disaster that happened - not to me, but to an acquaintance - came about when the mixer beating up cake batter vibrated off the end of the counter. I was amazed at the places she said got covered in cake batter. Now I make sure my mixer sits well away from the counter edge and never leave it running without me standing there. Sometimes it's convenient to have others make the mistakes, lol!! Thank you for your great recipes - both the ones that turned out and the less successful ones. :-)
A Virtual Vegan says
Ha ha! Thank you. I cannot even imagine cake batter flying everywhere. I'm sure it was a not sure whether to laugh or cry moment when she found it. I do wonder what fails will end up making it into next years post!
Amy Whitney says
Had a fail just a few weeks ago -- making fig newtons. Burnt the figs that were supposed to make the filling of my whole-grain fig newtons. In the end, I tossed the blackest couple of figs, rinsed the rest, and used them anyway. Good news is that the burnt flavor does not come through in the newtons! Next time, I will use more water when boiling the figs...
A Virtual Vegan says
Oh no! At least you managed to salvage most of them!
Carla says
Thank you for sharing, we forget the fails and think you are perfect. I have had my share too, stuff that goes directly to the garbage. My decorating abilities also suck, I have never succeeded a cupcake, they always look like poop. Can’t wait for your book
A Virtual Vegan says
Ha ha! I've had my fair share of poop topped cupcakes too. I'm glad you enjoyed the post!
Stephanie says
Thank you for this hilarious post! You really had me laughing and reminiscing about my own kitchen disasters. The very worst was a cold pea and mint soup. It actually came out perfectly and tasted delicious, but on my way to the table I stepped on a Lego block and fell, flinging the soup in the process. It covered most of the dining room, parts of the kitchen, the back door, my family, and dog. The mess was such that we had to remove the strike plate and door knob to get the soup out. The most embarrassing though, was the Sarah and Duck cookies I made for my daughter's 2nd birthday party. I made the black royal icing border too runny and the Duck cookies looked terrifying and demonic. I served them anyway and the teenagers in attendance called them "heavy metal". The parents were less impressed.
A Virtual Vegan says
Oh no!!!!! I cannot even imagine the aftermath of that soup incident. Lego has a lot to answer for! I had the lid fly off the blender mid smoothie making once and it went EVERYWHERE including all over me. I didn't know where to start. It must have been the same for you. Heavy metal cookies too. That is hilarious!
Franziska Rosenzweig says
I love this fails post! Makes us feel less inadequate.
My latest fail was Christmas Persian pistachio- chestnut quinoa roast that turned out a messy brown quinoa porridge. It tasted ok but no desired wow-factor.
maria says
I love that you shared this post!!!!!!!!!!!
Sylvia says
I laughed out loud... a big hearty laugh! Thank YOU for this fun post. We all make boo-boos in kitchen. I feel better knowing that I am in good company.
A Virtual Vegan says
I'm so pleased to hear it made you laugh Sylvia! Watch out for more boo-boos next year!
Laura says
Thank you for sharing these !! It shows all the effort you put into this wonderful blog. The cake, I think it's like a Victoria Sponge, still looks delish!!
A Virtual Vegan says
You're welcome Laura. I'm glad people are enjoying the post. And yes that is a Victoria Sponge. One of my favourite cakes!
Susan says
Thanks for sharing ????
A Virtual Vegan says
Kitchen clunkers would be a great name for next years post! Ha ha! I'm making a note of that! Happy holidays to you too!
Kim says
Try ..before vegan days...two cans of condensed milk boiling in a pot of water to make caramel for a meringue roulade, that ran dry because I forgot and went out shopping.....exploded all over the kitchen and roof. South Africa is hot and dry in the summer so by the time I returned it had concealed all over the white kitchen..took weeks to scrub off!! Chocolate chip cookies that ran over the side of the pan and caught fire...setting off the fire alarms....the fire brigade responded to the neighbors calls..HUGE EMBARASSMENT, This was in the UK...AM in the Netherlands now...waiting for the next epic fail. Have a wonderful festive season.
Lisa Anderson says
Hilarious! Thanks for sharing, and showing us what you go through to get your beautiful recipes to us.
A Virtual Vegan says
Oh no! That doesn't sound appetizing. It's amazing what we think is a good idea at the time when it actually isn't! Ha ha!
A Virtual Vegan says
Oh my word. It puts my fails to shame! Ha ha. My Mum once had an old pressure cooker explode in her kitchen and implant it's lid in the ceiling as well as splatter it's contents over the entire room! I hope your next epic fail is a long way off!
Rebecca McDonough says
Thank you so much for this! It's brave and generous of you to share these, which really made my morning. I do a lot of cooking myself, and epic fails are just part of the process. You've inspired me to take photos of my own kitchen clunkers.
Happy holidays from The States,
Rebecca
Anni Z says
Loved the post. It made me laugh (especially the cake with the gooey middle coming out) because I've been there...luckily I don't need to take pictures and 90% of the time it still tastes good so we eat it anyway. I can remember only a handful of times when something came out so awful I ended up chucking it. (no matter what it looks like, watermelon does not belong in sushi!)
My worst fail this year was a bean soup, which normally my family likes. This time, however, I thought I'd get "smart": I had a bag of frozen kale in the freezer that had been there for a couple of months, purchased (I'm sure) for some specific recipe, then forgotten in the back recesses. So my brilliant idea was to use it in the soup, thereby not only making the soup healthier but also using up the kale. Unfortunately, I added the ENTIRE bag of kale into about 8 quarts of soup. I suppose I didn't want to waste it by either throwing it out or relegating it back to it's freezer prison. The result was a thick kale soup mixed with a little bit of beans and vegetables. My family, bless their hearts, each ate an entire bowl of it before declaring that kale really wasn't their "thing"! I had to agree. It will be a long time before I buy another bag of frozen kale!
A Virtual Vegan says
Ha ha! That made me laugh. I can just imagine how you felt when you opened the fridge and saw it. Thank goodness for polite friends! It reminds me of a time when I decided it would be a good idea to tile part of my bathroom myself. I spent all day doing it and was so proud of myself. It looks fantastic. Went to bed, got up the next morning, went into the bathroom and every single tile had fallen off and was in a pile on the floor! Ha ha.
Jane says
I made a really good chocolate sponge for my daughter's 18th birthday party. She wanted one of those 'naked' cakes I believe they get called, with fruit piled up on top and coconut/ soy whipped cream inside? So the two layers were out of the oven, looking good. Got the soy whip carton out of the fridge, whisked it til my ears were hurting from the noise of the hand mixer, it was still liquid. OK, plan B. I had no chilled coconut cream, so I made a reliable choc avocado frosting to put in the middle, put thinly sliced strawbs in too. Then, the piece de resistance, my own recipe for a sleek shiny choc ganache. In the double boiler it went all gritty and stiff!!!! No more choc to hand so tried adding a tsp of coconut oil, this seemed to work! Yass! Strirred and stirred til it looked perfect, spread on the cake and.....something weird happened. The oil rose to the surface and as I put each berry on the top it slowly and ever so gently slid off. Wait a while i said to myself, as it hardens it will become tacky and you can glue them on! but time was now running short. Popped it in the fridge for 10 mins. Got it out, piled fruit on giving it a firm push into the ganache. Put back in the fridge to harden. An hour later when i got the cake out, it was well and truly 'naked' - all the berries were in a slithery mess on the fridge shelf!!! At this point I gave up. I washed the berries and served them on the side, with liquid soy whipping cream in a jug (actually that was disgusting so no one had it). You know what? The cake TASTED amazing, and all my daughter's pals were very kind!! There are NO photos!!!!!
Julie says
I love bloopers of all kinds. Keeps life in perspective ????. Happy holidays and thanks for sharing—also shows us all the work you do to get recipes right!
A Virtual Vegan says
You are so right about bloopers keeping life in perspective. I'm glad you enjoyed it Julie. Happy holidays to you too!
Lisa Heckman says
Thank you for sharing the fact that you are human with us!! What kind of dog is Chester?? Happy Holidays to you and yours!
A Virtual Vegan says
Chester is a very naughty Australian Labradoodle!