Brace yourselves ..... Epic A Virtual Vegan recipe fails are coming on through! These are all things that you do not want to eat and that failed miserably and caused much swearing and even sometimes crying in the kitchen.
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A few years ago I had a random idea to share my recipe fails. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea or not. Should I willingly make you see that I'm not really as good a cook as you might think I am and scar your eyeballs forever in the process?
I guess any time a creative, self-taught, very disorganized person with random recipe ideas is let loose in the kitchen, there are going to be some epic disasters.
Basically, for almost every recipe that makes it to my website, there are at least a few prior BAD attempts, sometimes many more. And as there is no shortage of recipe fail material, I think I would be doing you a disservice if I did not overshare the things that really should stay behind closed doors. I'll apologize in advance ...
Despite the fails though, millions of you visit AVV every month to make my recipes, I've managed to become a best selling cookbook author and I haven't burned down my kitchen yet, so it's not all bad. I am extemely grateful to be able to share my recipes (and my recipe failures) with you all!
So are you ready? Grab a cuppa, brace yourself and try not to vomit in your mouth a little because A Virtual Vegan's Recipe Fails are coming on through. Let's go!
First up, I take my vegan pancake game very seriously and pride myself on having some really good pancake recipes on AVV. Like my Giant Blueberry Vegan Pancake and my Vegan Banana Pancakes. They aren't always so good though. Enter specimen number 1 that looks like wrinkly pink skin and tasted as bad .....
And specimens 2, 3 and 4 .... Ranging from drier than sand to crumpet-like and the less said about the last one the better ....
Notice a theme here? Here's another pancake. This time the inside was kind of like that gelatinous gloopy slime you buy for your kids to play with.
This one's a little blurry but that's good because it semi-hides the ugliness. Would you believe that these lumps of what look like moon rock actually turned into my very delicious Vegan Banana Scones?
This was the 4th attempt at this recipe. I had visions of silky smooth vegan lemon curd and what I got time after time was a lumpy, congealed mass with true gag status.
My very popular gluten-free seitan recipe was a journey. A very bumpy one. This was the first attempt:
Everything about it was disgusting... The texture, the flavour, the stringy mushroom worm-like bits ...I am pretty sure it was the worst thing I've ever made.
And then another attempt to make gluten-free seitan... And when I mentioned scarring your eyeballs I wasn't exaggerating.
I don't think we should ever speak of this again...
I wrapped the foil around it too tightly and it burst out of one end while baking. I literally cried with laughter when I took it out of the oven, and on and off all day after. Mr AVV's face, when I presented it for dinner, was the highlight of my year!
The theme continues. These cinnamon rolls were for a photoshoot that needed to be completed a.s.a.p. The whole pan came out looking like this:
I tried poking them back in, then cutting them off, but it didn't work out well. I ended up having to make them again the next day.
Gluten-free bread or rock? I'm not sure... It would have broken your foot if it fell on it though.
I had never ever made a smoothie that was so bad I couldn't drink it until this one .... It was watery and tasteless and even the chocolate in it couldn't save it.
I can't even remember what this was supposed to be, but I do know that the pan it was in was ruined forever.
The beginnings of my very popular Chocolate Chip Cookie in a Mug. Way too many chia seeds that remained weirdly crunchy and made it feel like I was eating/looking at bug eggs ....
I can't remember what this was supposed to be. It looks like an omelette but that is definitely not what I was attempting.
THIS. It was my attempt at making homemade chocolate but actually turned out looking and feeling like raw liver. When I moved the pan it slid around in it's slimy, jelly-like state like some kind of alien being.
This fatty mess is the homemade chocolate after it set in the freezer. For some unknown reason I thought that freezing it might actually save it. Chester is getting ready to evacuate in case the alien being comes back to life.
Cookie anyone? This was a whole batch that spread into one podgy number 8 type shape. Quite a coincidence really as this was attempt number 8. What you can't see is how strangely bendy they were and how terrible they tasted.
The lemon blueberry loaf that refused to stay together for at least 4 attempts. Every time I lifted it out of the pan it crumbled into pieces.
This was bad. I couldn't even bring myself to taste it because it looked so awful. I mean it's basically a brown, oily splodge with salt on it.
And then came the second attempt. That time the oil set to form a white congealed mass around the edges. I'm not sure which version looks more unappetizing. It's very hard to believe that these pitiful attempts ended up turning into my very popular Salted Maple Pecan Fudge.
This cake though! Now this, unlike the others, was a pretty nice recipe fail. We enjoyed every minute of clearing it up. I needed to get shots of this for my cookbook and I was in a real rush to meet my deadline. But it was the hottest day of the year. Everything about it was perfect until I put the top on, then all of the jam and frosting just squirted out the sides. Like literally all of it. There was nothing left inside.
Um, what even is this???? The first attempt tasted like cement. You could probably actually have used it in place of cement when constructing a building.
Then attempt number two of the same recipe. It was puffy and beautiful then dissolved into flat nothingness after 10 minutes in the oven. And then attempts number 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7, plus many more not pictured. After 1 year of disaster, I finally got this Vegan Yorkshire pudding recipe right!
Chester's disapproving look says it all. This was a lemon cake that I affectionately called the pancake cake. It turned out flat like this about 4 times. Then it became a disintegrating pancake cake. I barely even touched it and it crumbled into pieces. You don't even want to know how many lemons I went through while negotiating these disasters. You will be pleased to know that I did perfect it eventually and it turned into a beauty of a cake. You can get the recipe in my cookbook!
Quite a few things get burned. I am very good at going away and getting distracted. This is one such example. The crumb topping on this was quite thick and I really didn't want to have to make the whole thing again, so I painstakingly removed every burnt crumb with tweezers, then, after photographing it, decided I wasn't happy and and needed to make it again anyway.
Hockey puck anyone? These veggie burgers are another example of my distracted cooking. They were so hard I couldn't even cut them.
Only once I'd photographed this recipe did Mr AVV tell me they looked like poo pancakes. The recipe got ditched after that. They tasted nice though!
This is a chickpea plant milk experiment gone wrong. It turned to gloop in the bottle and literally made me feel sick when I poured it. We're talking thick, gelatinous sludge that hung, in strange mid pour suspension, before breaking off and falling into the glass.
And lastly the time I was sharing how to make nice-cream on Instagram and didn't hold the top down on the blender. Unless you've experienced it, you have no idea how far globs of frozen banana travel when shot out of the top of a high powered blender.
So there we have it. There have been many more fails than this. These were just the lucky ones that got photographed, but you know what? As annoying as they are at the time, cheers to them all because without them we wouldn't have the wins!
Let me know I'm not alone by sharing details of your cooking fails in the comments below. I'd love to hear about them!
Wanda says
It’s so funny to see these!! Thanks for being vulnerable and making me not feel so bad when I cook epic fails. I have wins but also inedible messes. You’re so kind to share these and I wish you a Happy New Year!
A Virtual Vegan says
Happy new year to you too!
Mary Jean says
Thanks for your wonderful, funny, awful messes. Loved the reality! In my mind you just sit there and have great creative ideas and pop out beautiful, taste great recipes. AND, of course, you are always not flustered and looking like a model at all times!! I know, I know, the fantasy romantic view-- Laughing out loud here--- I am always covered in flour or sticky chocolate or both and don't even want to mention the counter and floor, etc. Then the attempt to eat it.
Thank goodness for reality and moving on to better things.
A Virtual Vegan says
Flustered and covered in flour and sticky things, in a kitchen that looks like a disaster zone is the story of my life. You are not alone!
Vivienne Frank says
Hi Mel ,
So delighted that you are truly human . What I’m so aware and grateful for is that these failures have given me recipes that work and are delicious . Mine may not always look as beautiful as yours but the taste is great . Family always enjoy .
I’m from South Africa and really appreciate the ease with which I can prepare your recipes . Amazon too far from me !
Stay safe and know each failure brings you closer to success. Thanks
A Virtual Vegan says
Thank you Vivienne!
Jones LeFae says
Love this! I had an epic fail recently when I was trying to do a gluten free version of an applesauce cake I love. It's nice to know I'm not the only one!
CeeCee says
Laughed at this! You made me remember my first and only attempt at making seitan sausages. I followed the recipe (not one of yours!) to the letter, then wrapped them in foil before steaming them. Cooking complete, I excitedly removed the foil...and these two massive LOGS plopped out onto the plate. I swear, the colour and the size, they looked just like Great Dane poopies. I couldn’t move for laughing...and I’ve not been able to face seitan since...
A Virtual Vegan says
OMG .... Ha ha! I was only looking at another bloggers photos of her vegan "sausages" yesterday and couldn't help thinking they looked like poops ? Hope yours at least tasted nice!
gloria says
Did you contact Blendtec to see if they would replace it? You never know until you ask. After all, your blog is great advertisement for their product.
A Virtual Vegan says
I put a warranty claim in last week and am awaiting a reply. Fingers crossed! It's 5 years old and has an 8 year warranty so hopefully it should be ok.
Donna Beha says
I love this idea....so funny, and it makes me feel better about my cooking failures--even when I'm following a recipe!! One of my favorite sports is bowling and along the same lines, it's kind of encouraging when a really high-average bowler on my league bowls a really low scoring game....not that it's funny, but it's good to realize it can happen to anyone! Sometimes it's hard to remember that perfection all the time is truly unattainable. Keep up the good work. Each failure is one step closer to greatness.
A Virtual Vegan says
Thank you Donna. I'm really pleased you enjoyed the post and I really like that bowling analogy. It's so right!
Jillian says
Thank you so so so much for sharing your failures Mel. You have no idea how much better this makes me feel. I don't consider myself a great cook, but now having a son and daughter-in-law who are Vegans I try different recipes and a lot of the time they end up in the bin. (I can definitely identify with the lemon blueberry loaf - mine looked similar and received quite a few laughs). I don't take photos as I am usually too embarrassed! Keep up the good work in 2020 - your recipes are my inspiration. Thank you
A Virtual Vegan says
Thank you Jillian! I'm glad it makes you feel better. It seems a lot of people feel the same and it makes me happy that you all know you're not alone.
I'm sure your son and daughter in law really appreciate you putting your effort and time into cooking something for them. A lot of vegans aren't that lucky. Happy New Year!
Lorna McLeod says
oh MY!!! I'm WEAK will laughter, my chest actually hurts. This was such a delightful funny read......probably because we resonate so closely with some of those results. LOVE LOVE LOVE, and yes LOVE LOVE LOVE your recipes! Keep up the fabulous work in 2020...we LOVE YOU!
A Virtual Vegan says
Thank you so much Lorna! This post seems to be a hit with a lot of people today. It makes me smile to think I've given you all a laugh. Happy New Year to you!
Janice says
I was scrolling through emails after a busy three days of baking, cooking, gift wrapping/opening, sugar infused grands, an additional day of cleaning up and putting away, and came across your “failed recipes.” This post is just what I needed after stressing over (creating in my mind) two last minute versions of vegan enchiladas (for 40 people) finished up at 1:38 am for that evening - Christmas Eve! One never knows, and I had no testing time beforehand! Luckily, they were more than edible, but just as easily, they could have been fails! Your humor keeps us home cooks laughing and trying again. Creating a recipe is a tremendous amount of work, and no one knows what goes into it when they only see the “perfection” of many long hours, multiple attempts, and costly dumped ingredients. Keep doing what you do, cheering us on with your unique style, and know you are appreciated. May the New Year bring you gifts of peace and joy.
A Virtual Vegan says
I'm glad I gave you some lighthearted relief. Christmas can be a stressful time when you are feeding/entertaining lots of people. I can't imagine feeding 40. Poor you! Glad the enchiladas were ok though. Happy New Year to you too!
A Virtual Vegan says
Thank you Janice. Happy New Year to you too!
Kim says
Love it! Thanks for sharing - it was hilarious!
Chessie says
Thanks for sharing -- and I actually mean that. :-)
This really WAS a service to all of us, letting us (or me, at any rate) know that we are not the only ones to see dismaying results in the kitchen. I usually say "oh well, live and learn," but there always seems to be an infinite number of ways to screw things up, especially as I have to keep everything scrupulously gluten-free for medical reasons. At least YOU have many, many delicious and impressive results to overwhelm the "fails."
A Virtual Vegan says
It happens to us all! Glad you enjoyed it Chessie!
Heather Cozad says
Thank you so much for sharing! Your recipes are the best!! It’s your cook book I have used the most. My husband and I have been While food plant based for 55 days and are doing quite well, feeling tons better. I have had one epic fail so far. That was vegan Salisbury steak with mushroom sauce. While the sauce was great. The “steak” was awful. It was a non gluten receipt thought I could just use gluten free flour instead. It did not work!! Ugh!! My poor husband was such a sport and ate two of the awful creatures. I will just stick to your instapot stew recipe. It’s the best!! Thank you so much for your recipes! Happy New Year!
A Virtual Vegan says
Ha ha, my poor husband has been subjected to some awful dinners over the years too. He's not such a good sport though and will just point blank tell me "I'm not eating THAT". ha ha.
Happy New Year to you too!
Dawn says
Oh my gosh! I can soooo relate. You are such a brave soul posting these for all to see. I’m so glad you are human. My fails way outnumber my successes each year. Here’s to fewer fails and more successes in 2020! Cheers!
A Virtual Vegan says
Thank you Dawn. It happens to us all! Happy New Year!
Julianne says
Thank you for sharing this! In a world of perfect selfies and posts about our best achievements, it is refreshing to see all the progress that went into the process behind the scenes before it was perfect for posting.
A Virtual Vegan says
You're welcome Julianne. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Shannon says
This. Is. Hilarious. Love it.
sjbk says
OMG..these are the absolute best!!! many thanks for making me laugh...until tears are running down my face.